Darkness into Light

The overarching theme throughout this period of my life, seems to be one of wading through the darkness until I find the light. This quest, this lesson that I have yet to fully learn, seems to appear in new and challenging ways, nearly each and every day.

Today I had a hearing to determine whether or not the insurance company would overturn their denial of Oliver’s g-tube supplies. I’ve been trying for 4 months now to get a new shipment of syringes, tubes and buttons for his hydration, medications and partial nutrition. But due to half-assed and incomplete charting notes, the insurance company has denied it all… multiple times. We waited over a month for this hearing and today they pushed it out an entire month further.

Apparently, a conference call with two different lawyers and a judge is required to determine whether or not Oliver needs g-tube supplies!! I found myself wondering over and over, ‘Why are we wasting time and money doing assinine proceedings over simple clarical errors?!’ It took 100% of my restraint to maintain a VERYYY thin amount of etiquette instead of launching into a scathing defense of my son’s needs. By the end of the call I was livid.

When I get to this point of wanting to crawl through the phone and rip people’s faces off, I know it is time to go outside and drop out for a while, so that I can drop back in. Tonight, I couldn’t wait to bask in the tranquil beauty of the lake.

But as I walked down to the beach, it was filled with trash. Everywhere I looked was another chip wrapper crammed under driftwood or a plastic bottle bobbing up and down. My anger returned. As I gazed up at the reflection of the mountains, I took a deep breath. It’s time to let it go. You gotta drop the stress. Drop the problems you cannot, yourself, solve. Allow the brokenness to exist. Do your work. Through this darkness, find the light.

So I got out my camera and started the practice that’s become my way of grounding back onto the earth after my mind has been spinning in the ethers of anger. Photography is my meditation. It brings me fully into the present moment and through the colors, the angles, and the shadows, the pain and destruction of life is alchemized into art and creativity. Whether it’s a helicopter ride to an ICU bed or a ton of trash in a pristine lake or a Medical Machine that has no care at all for the life you live, light is always there within the struggles. Sometimes it’s just a little harder to find.

Despite the mountains of trash, it was perfect out there tonight.

By the time I got home, my anger and frustration had dissipated and I simply felt thankful that I have always been, and probably always will be, a g-tube supply hoarder. Over the years, I have squirreled those puppies away in preparation for exactly this situation. The never ending hurdles and waiting periods of the healthcare industry. Mean Medical Machine, I know your games by now. And, thankfully, I know how to play.

Friendly reminder world, we can do better on all fronts.

Oh, and don’t be an Asshole.  

Pick up your trash.

Oliver says so.

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