I’m sharing the below post here because my journey back to Self is intimately intertwined with my journey as Oliver’s mother. Life with him has guided me toward healing in a way that nothing else ever has. It’s intensified my desire to continuously evolve and the constant challenges of special needs motherhood provide me ample opportunities to grow.
As was probably apparent from my ‘Quarantine: Part 1’ blog post, the challenges of this time period have been many. Below is the path that has helped to guide me from that darkness back into light. I share it here in hopes that it will be a gift, like it was for me, to someone else who is struggling to find their place in this crazy world. ❤
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching during quarantine and I stumbled across something that I hope might help some other people as much as it has helped me.
About a month ago I was at one of the lowest lows I’ve ever experienced. It was as if the entire world was imploding upon me. I was struggling with EVERYTHING, and basically felt like I was losing my mind completely. I was irate at myself for being too weak to handle this time of upheaval in this world, especially when my kids needed me to remain strong.
One night, after a particularly long string of tough days, I was scrolling through Facebook and I stumbled upon a link to a blog site called Highly Sensitive Refuge.
As I read the first article titled 21 Signs you are a Highly Sensitive Person, I was shocked that something written by someone else could so accurately describe the Me that has never quite fit the mold.
I’ve always felt a little different but never understood exactly why. Everyone else just seems to handle the stresses of life so much better and with so much less emotion. Lol
My husband has always called me his Delicate Flower because of my extreme sensitivity to literally EVERYTHING.
I eat a very specific diet of things that feel good in my body. The beauty of nature brings me to tears. The pain of the world also brings me to tears. I feel unable to hold any kind of center and tend to take on whatever energy is around me. I love love and I hate hate – like on a visceral level. I get exhausted way too easily (which has been a real challenge as a special-needs mom). I desperately need space to retreat and when I don’t get space (which is often) I become reactive and short tempered. I can feel every tiny shift that occurs in my body and having trouble keeping myself balanced. I hate shopping because I face an ethical dilemma about almost every item I buy. I love to please people and I can’t sleep knowing someone is angry with me. I think deeply about All Things. Conflict of any kind immediately gives me a stomachache. I’m picky about my clothes and the temperature and the wind speed and…and…and EVERY TINY LITTLE THING IN THE WORLD feels huge to me. This list could probably go on forever. And honestly, I’ve just always suspected that I was a little bit crazy.
But here it was, right before my eyes, an explanation of pretty much every quirky thing about me. I read for hours and hours that night as waves of realizations about my life brought a clarity that I’ve never had.
I’m not crazy. I’m really sensitive. And this can be a difficult world in which to be sensitive.
Memories came flooding back to me as my tears fell for all the times I’ve beaten myself up for being too ‘weak,’ too sensitive. Pushing through my boundaries, and doing my best to ignore my many needs, I have not seen much of my sensitivity as a positive thing. But that changed with the discovery of this blog. I finally understand my struggles.
The overnight changes of the lock-down crushed me in the beginning. There was too much displacement and suffering and loss to process all at once. But a little time, space and understand can begin to heal all. So, like a lightly trampled flower, I am starting to stand back up with the warm light of self-love.
I’m sharing this today because I know there are others out there like this too. I see you – the ones who wear your hearts on your sleeve. You are not alone. I want to share with you the safety and validation that this Highly Sensitive Refuge has given to me. ❤ ❤ ❤